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10 Things You Don’t Know About Women
1. Sorry, but we’re actually all not “a little gay.”

2. When “we” are pregnant, don’t ever tell anyone “we’re pregnant,” because “we’re” not.

3. We loosened the jar first.

4. It’s always, always better to go commando than to show up in tighty-whiteys.

5. If you take medicine for athlete’s foot, keep that little secret to yourself.

6. We know you know where the remote control, the dry cleaning, the ski equipment, the peanut butter, the nail clippers, and the toilet paper are located in the house we both live in, so knock it off with the “Honey, could you…?” crap.

7. If you’re wearing a baseball cap and you’re bald…you know we know, right?

8. Leave the low-on-the-toe loafers and heels to us. We don’t like for any of your shoes to resemble our shoes. Unless we’re talking cowboy boots, and, in that case, you better have the hat.

9. Supersecret: Unless we’re blind or have no night-light in the bathroom, the whole toilet-seat thing is exaggerated and meant to control you.

10. We only tell you the things we want you to know about us, and you can bet dollars to doughnuts there are more than ten of them.

Everything we need to know we learned from the movies

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

6. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.

11. You should not confuse your career with your life.

12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.

13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

15. Your true friends love you, anyway.

16. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Woman Suing for too much Sex
God bless America: land of the free, home of the brave – and litigators. I sue, you sue, we all sue – and the sillier the cause, the better. Frivolous lawsuits are the stuff of television shows like Philly and Boston Public. But that’s fiction, right? You think.

A woman in Florida has sued her employers for developing carpal tunnel syndrome – also known as repetitive motion injury – in both hands. Why should this make news? It’s a common occupational hazard for data entry operators and others who spend all day typing on a keyboard. Right, except the lady in question is no data entry operator and she didn’t get her tendons in a twist from too much typing. She got it from too much masturbating.

The woman, who lives in Fort Lauderdale, is a phone sexline operator. Her job description requires her to masturbate regularly – up to seven times a day – while indulging her clients’ sexual fantasies. The ambidextrous female used one hand to answer the phone and the other to give herself an orgasm during the verbal foreplay. It’s all about customer satisfaction. Isn’t that what they teach you at management school?

The phone sex lady has filed for worker’s compensation from Florida’s Department of Labor and Employment Security. She has claimed weekly benefits of $267 and also asked to be reimbursed $30,000 for medical bills reimbursement, after a neurosurgeon operated on her hand to relieve the pain. Hey lady! You forgot to collect damages for mental trauma.

Now that’s what I call private enterprise at its finest. It’s no wonder that the USA is the leader of the free world.